


Down, Down, Just Like Randy's House

by Kirigami



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Hurt No Comfort, Internal Conflict, M/M, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-20
Updated: 2013-08-19
Packaged: 2017-12-24 01:55:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/933783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kirigami/pseuds/Kirigami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat missed his moirail. More than words could express.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Down, Down, Just Like Randy's House

_I've got that rotten apple core feeling,_  
 _Dying like a living ghost,_  
 _And now I'm lying on the ground,_  
 _Not making a sound,_  
 _Thinking that I loved you the most._

The hours passed before the time of the incident had been mind-numbingly mundane.

  


Just like every other day that he had been impounded on this fucking prison of a meteor, Karkat had woken, groaned and rolled over, and settled back into the sheets of his bed to sleep for a while longer. After that, he had gone to try and get something that didn't look too incredibly inedible and didn't taste too horribly insipid, and had a conversation with Rose. Who was drunk, as usual. Not to mention that the conversation mostly consisted of him hurling more insults at her about how idiotic she was to let herself fall into a state where she was constantly intoxicated. She didn't seem to care though, and continued to go along drinking and laughing with insouciance that Rose would never have otherwise. Kanaya only eyed her with pity but also discernible concern, one of her hands resting on her girlfriend's arm as the young woman chatted on and tittered about inconceivable bullshit that Karkat no longer cared about.  


Growing sick of the situation in record time, Karkat left the two by themselves and settled on departing to read in his room. There was, in truth, no one else that he felt inclined to spend time with, and this was one of the common ways that the troll would consume his time: Alone in his room, reading and simply reminiscing over everything that had come about after they had foolishly made the conclusion to play the game together. Before long he was shutting the door after himself and snatching a book off of the nearly bare shelves, slipping down onto the heap of horns he still kept in his room with a quiet chorus of honking and relaxing down against the pile as he flipped the book open and breathed in the familiar scent of musty pages. His eyes slid shut, and before he even realized it, he was lying back against the horns, sighing wearily through his nose.  
He missed his friends. He missed Feferi and Eridan and Vriska and Tavros and Nepeta and Equius, but most of all Gamzee. He didn't know why he had ever felt pale for the asshole in the first place, how he had stooped so low as to help the prick calm his shit and then papping his cheek and holding him close. Of course, he had to prevent him from killing anyone else, but a fragment of him had felt right while he calmed the highblood. Everything had been running smoothly initially, and although Karkat continued to make commentary at how dense Gamzee was at every moment he was given, he couldn't help but savor the time they would pass lying by each other and merely bask in the presence of their moirail.  


Everything should have been perfect, if Karkat hadn't gone and fucked it up. But why wouldn't he? It seemed like anything he attempted turned into to shit and unnecessary heartache later on. His relationship with Gamzee shouldn't have been any different, and he should have anticipated that eventually, he would do something to screw it up. But that didn't make it hurt any less when he did.  


He started developing red feelings for the highblood only weeks into their moirailleigence. He couldn't help it, something about the lanky troll's stupid face and charming laugh and unruly hair and happy-go-lucky attitude drove him wild. He wasn't sure what to do, because he wasn't prepared to ruin this for his own neediness, but he slowly but surely worked up the courage to make a move. They had been embracing each other on a pile of horns, a tangle of arms and legs and happy feelings as they gazed over at each other. Suddenly, Gamzee's eyes just looked so captivating and his curved lips looked so irresistible and the smaller troll couldn't hold himself back, soon closing the space between themselves and tilting his head to the right ever so slightly just as the characters had done in his romcoms, his lips gently pressing against his moirail's and his blood pusher stuttering in his chest. Gamzee's lips just seemed to fit so perfectly against his own, and he didn't care about the lines of moiraillegiance that he was crossing now and the voices screaming in his head for him to stop because of how amazing it felt to slide his own smooth lips against his moirail's chapped ones, and how the other tensed against him before relaxing while his arms found their way to snake around Karkat and tug him even closer to himself. For once, the usually grumpy troll was nearly elated, his hands finding themselves tangled in the highblood's uncontrollable mane of hair while he kissed him deeply, his lips pressing fuller against Gamzee's and his eyes sliding shut completely while his moirail's hands moved over his back. Eventually, Karkat had to pull away, but he still felt incredible, and a small smile curved his lips as he looked over to Gamzee, who also seemed pleased, but also confused. And reasonably so, since in most scenarios, you don't kiss your moirail like that. His expression was straight as he looked over to Karkat before sliding from between his arms and bolting.  


This was the first time that Gamzee left.  


The smile that had once occupied Karkat's lips vanished instantaneously once the other's warmth escaped him, and he was soon left curling in on himself and pondering why the fuck he had to go and mess everything up. Tears streaked down his cheeks as he sniffled and sobbed pathetically, wondering why Gamzee had even kissed him back if we wasn't planning on sticking around afterwards in the first place.  


He foolishly held out hope that his moirail had just left out of anxiety, but the times that he saw Gamzee grew less and less consistent after that. And he hated himself, because he knew that he was flushed for his moirail and he knew that his moirail didn't feel the same, and now Gamzee didn't want to be around him. At all. He began to even go to the point of avoiding his other friends, presumably just so he wouldn't have to encounter Karkat. They weren't entirely sure where he seemed to disappear to besides the vents, but Karkat didn't care. The point was that his moirail was trying to evade him. After it got to the point where he hadn't seen Gamzee for a few weeks, he decided to call the moirailegiance off. Of course, he was never able to tell his former moirail this directly, but he announced it to everyone else. He figured that if he cut off the moiraillegiance, he would feel better later on. He would learn to forget Gamzee, and he would stop feeling so miserable. And it succeeded, to a degree. He still felt bad about it, and he was still worried about his ex-moirail. And he was still incredibly flushed for him.  


The pain wasn't as agonizingly raw now, though, and he had begun the stage of this relationship where he only felt mildly upset about the situation and had masked his feelings of love towards Gamzee with a canvas of hate that he had woven to protect himself. He still loved his ex-moirail, but he holed those feelings up and convinced himself that not only did he not feel red for the troll, he hated him. And not in a caliginous way. He hated him for leaving him, and for leaving everyone else. He had to work up this wall that he had built around himself, but now he didn't feel as bad, so it was worth it.  


He would have been fine if Gamzee would have left his life forever and just never came back. He had pretty much recovered, and it didn't really hurt anymore. It was just a dull ache when he thought of him, and he could live with that.  


The gentle pad of footsteps against the tile floor was nothing spectacular, but it still sent Karkat's stomach churning and his eyes flying open as he sat up, more soft honks resounding in the air. How the hell had anyone gotten in, the door had been locked. He knew, but he refused to let himself believe quite yet that this was happening, unintentionally drawing out how he slowly looked up to the trespasser and feeling his breath catch in his throat. His eyes slowly trailed up from the stupid purple shoes to the spotted sweatpants that dragged against the ground due to still being too long for the tall troll. His shirt was worn and obviously well used, the indigo symbol on it cracked in places and in need of some repairs. Slowly, Karkat's eyes reached Gamzee's face, and he had to fight to push down the surge of nearly insurmountable feelings that were once lying dormant rushing up inside of him while his eyes traced over the scars etched over the clown's messily painted face and his ruby red eyes locked with the troll's deep purple ones. His chaotic mess of hair had only gotten longer, curls framing his face and making him look even more attractive- But he found himself unable to dwell on that past the anger coursing through his veins. His hands balled into fists as he pushed himself to his feet and threw his book aside, gritting his teeth together and glaring over to Gamzee with all of his might.  


“Where the fuck have you been?” He snarled, a tint of venom to his voice that even he himself didn't expect to be there. But he was just so unbelievably infuriated right now that he didn't give a shit how he sounded. He deserved and had the right to be angry, and Gamzee deserved every second that he would get ranted at because he was the one who left Karkat in the first place and if he'd only known how miserable his moirail had become and how much he missed him-  
“Around.” And that was it. Just a one word answer. After all of this fucking time, the best that Gamzee could do was give him an reply that consisted of one word. If he didn't care for him so much, he would be punching him in the face right now. But Gamzee almost looked ashamed as his indigo eyes stayed directed towards the ground. He maybe looked hurt, even..? Whatever. He had a lot of fucking explaining to do before he was going to take any of the apology bullshit.  
“You've been gone for fucking months and that's the best answer you can give me? Bullshit. You can get the FUCK out of my sight or you can hurry up and spill.” The angry troll hissed in reply, taking a step closer to Gamzee in a type of silent threat. Finally, the highblood's eyes flicked up from the ground, but his normally easy-going and happy expression was still straight and serious.  


“I can't be up and telling a motherfucker what I've been doing.”  


That was too much for Karkat. He had waited so long, he had hurt so fucking much, he had wasted so many tears on his shitstain of a moirail and he couldn't even tell him where

he'd been. He had to stop himself from lunging at the troll as he dug his fingernails into his own palms, spitting out a response and having to restrain tears from spilling from his eyes.  


“You fucking piece of shit. Did you think I would ever actually buy that? Do you realize how much fucking pain I was in and how much I fucking missed you? Because of you being such a piece of shit moirail, I've been hurting so badly, and you don't even as much as give a damn. So you know what, Gamzee? Fuck you. Fuck you for leaving after I fucking dared to show my feelings for you. And fuck you for proving that I can't have anything that is actually good for me without me going and screwing things up. Fuck you because I was flushed for you and you left, you kissed me back and you ran without even saying anything. Fuck you, get out of my sight, you insufferable asshole.” And tears were spilling down his cheeks as he hissed out the words, hands moving to rub at the rivulets of red cascading down the gentle curves of his face while his knees shook and soon became too feeble to support him. He sunk down, sniffling and sobbing and absolutely despising that Gamzee was here watching him have a breakdown. He hated that he was this weak and he hated Gamzee and he hated this stupid meteor and he just wanted to be left alone.  


He felt Gamzee's arms around him, and they felt perfect and warm and familiar and he wanted nothing more than to just relax into his old moirail and cry, but instead he let out a little huff of frustration and raised a hand away from his face to slap over Gamzee's face with a loud smack.  


“No, fuck you. Don't think that you hugging me is going to improve our relationship. This isn't one of my shitty romcoms and things aren't just going to repair themselves just because you fucking graced me with your arms. Don't fucking touch me.” He grumbled, although he admittedly had calmed down a bit with the feeling of Gamzee's arms around him. The taller troll nodded, watching Karkat wearily and giving him a small, familiar smile as his arms dropped to the sides.  


“I'm sorry, bro. I shouldn't have all up and left a motherfucker hanging like that. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings and shit, but a motherfucker just didn't know what to do. And I had other duties that all up and needed me to motherfuckin' attend to.” He apologized, and his voice sounded sincere, and the frown etched on his face proving it. Karkat looked up at him quietly, wondering whether or not he should believe the clown after everything that he had put him through. But he honestly didn't have it in him to reject his old moirail, and he couldn't stay mad at him once his wall made of hate had been broken down by the highblood just being here and apologizing. He watched Gamzee for a few moments, curious as to why he looked conflicted himself and soon blinking as his ex-moirail leaned forwards to press a kiss to Karkat's forehead.  


“I missed you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> hello all!! :] this is my first fanfiction, so im really sorry if its sucky. I do have a lot in store for this though, i promise! and you've been privileged with an almost happy chapter to begin with ;) ]]


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